Hello there! It’s been a while. Not quite a year ago I wrote a series of blog posts based on a Manifestation class I took at a local wellness center. In that series, my title alluded to what I was manifesting…a career in writing. However, I never actually wrote about my dream of writing for a living within that series. So now, after almost a year, I’m ready to share the progress of that dream with you. Yay!
Besides my endeavors at blogging, my writing career has consisted of compiling newsletters for fundraising events, personal reflective pieces for my church, flyers and promotional material along with technical writing for former and current employers. Since writing the Manifestation series, I began working with Transcendence Wellness Center to help them organize their classes into an online format. The entire process is coming along quite nicely and we are hoping to launch the online university very soon!
So yes, my writing career is looking pretty awesome and I anticipate a big upswing in the very near future. That being said, I must go back a little over a year ago to a time when I manifested space in my life for my writing career to appear. Be warned…I didn’t exactly do this the easy way. Space for my writing career was born through my very own dark night of the soul…dun, dun, dun! Sounds a bit intimidating and, for my loved ones standing on the outside looking in, it was very hard to watch me go through without wanting to take up arms against what they saw as the creator of my dark night, my ex-fiance. It’s always a guy, right? I know…so lame and boring. But to tell you about how I manifested my journey into writing, I believe you must understand the frame story to what allowed it to manifest.
So…I had been in an almost 3 year relationship with a man that I thought I would be marrying. From the outside, we looked like we had it all together; cars, house, good jobs, great pets. We simply had to tie the knot and pop out 2.1 kids. However, behind closed doors, we had quite the roller-coaster relationship. We triggered each other in ways I never knew possible. He introduced me to sides of myself that I never realized even existed! This may sound strange, but I believe we were soulmates in that regard. A quote from Elizabeth Gilbert comes to mind now as I type this:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…” -Elizabeth Gilbert
Even though I considered my engagement to this man to be the single most difficult relationship I have ever been in, I still believe him to be exactly what I needed at that time in my life. For without him, I never would have met the side of myself that could become angry, that could stand my ground in a moment of confrontation and speak my truth, that could, as a grown woman, throw a temper tantrum in the heat of an argument, that could hang up on someone in anger and that could even say hurtful things intentionally and without remorse. Without ever having met him, I would never have fully known myself. Sure, I knew all the good parts of myself, but he showed me all the bad parts that I didn’t want to admit existed. And even though we basically went through hell together in a very short and condensed timeframe, he gave me the wonderful gift of knowing myself, fully and completely, warts and all.
Now, don’t get me wrong, we experienced many wonderful times too…enough to keep us together for 3 years. Several amazing vacations, holidays, friends and adventures were shared with each other that I now count among some of my favorite memories. However, as Elizabeth’s quote above so eloquently puts it, that kind of relationship, with its extreme highs and extreme lows, was simply too painful to remain in forever. It burned hot and bright and quick. The most important thing I took away from that relationship was that, above everything else in life, I must learn to love myself and I must learn to make myself happy. Despite the roller coaster nature of our relationship, he continually supported me in pursuing my dream of writing, and for that, I will be forever grateful. It was this support that intermingled with my drive to chase my dream and ultimately allowed for the ending of our relationship and the “Manifestation [of my] Road to Writing”. You see, he encouraged me to leave my career of 16 years to pursue an opportunity to write, promising to support me emotionally and financially until my career had time to take off.
But…as I’m sure you’ve guessed…THAT didn’t quite happen. I left my job of 16 yrs on Friday and he came to me the following Tuesday saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to pursue our relationship any longer and by Thursday, we had broken up. I found myself without a man, without a job and without a home. It was, to say the least, a major crossroads in my life.
However, because I had already been taking my manifestation class at Transcendence, I knew that sometimes, in order to manifest the life you truly want, all the things that do not serve you must be taken away. So this sudden collapse of my world was the universe, God, the Divine Matrix…pick whichever word you most identify with… saying to me, “Yes, I have heard your desires, your prayers, your meditations and I am orchestrating momentous changes so that you might have the things that reside deep within your heart.” I knew this drama in my life for what it was, and while my family and friends were outraged and upset on my behalf, I amazed myself by maintaining a never before experienced level of calm and understanding about the whole thing. I felt quite zen, to be honest. I was experiencing an ending to a life that I once thought I wanted very much in order to make room for what I now knew was what I truly wanted more than anything I had ever wanted before. I had become a living, walking, breathing example of everything I had learned in my manifestation class at Transcendence. It was both frightening and exhilarating, all at once!
Because I understood what was going on, I was able to let go of the pain of the breakup much more quickly than I had with other relationships. Despite knowing that his decision to end our relationship was brought on by the presence of another woman in his life, I found myself in a very zen space about it all. Yes, there were feelings of betrayal, hurt and anger, but I was able to move through them fairly quickly because, at the end of the day, I was exhausted. That kind of relationship wears you down mentally, physically and emotionally…and I was completely and utterly spent. In hindsight, her presence was actually a gift for me, as I probably wouldn’t have let go of him as easily if it weren’t for her. I’m sure this all sounds very strange, but it’s honestly how I felt and still feel to this day.
I truly believe that everything is divine. If he hadn’t made promises to support me, however empty they may have been, I never would have walked away from my career of 16 years to pursue my dream. I never would have manifested a job that allowed me the mental space to work on my writing on the side while still paying the bills, and I never would have found a place of my own that I truly love and adore coming home to at the end of each day. Within the time frame of one month, I created a completely different life for myself. I could have chosen to focus on the negative, allowing the heartbreak of a broken engagement to halt my world, wallowing in self pity at the thought of being homeless and without employment. But I did not. As I learned in my manifestation class, everything negative is a shortcut, and I knew that this was an opportunity for me to create an entirely different life. A do-over, if you will. This type of thing doesn’t happen often in life, and I believe its our reactions to these dark nights of the soul that make up the foundation of who we really are. I had a completely blank slate and I was going to take advantage of it!
So today, I sit here relaying the story of how my life unfolded up to this very moment and it almost reads like a movie. Did this really happen to me? Did I really live through all this and come out on the other side an even bigger, better, grander, version of the woman that I already was? You bet your sweet ass I did! And it feels amazing! I can truly say that I wouldn’t change any of my “Manifestations [on my] Road to Writing.”